CLASSIFIEDS
Items For Sale:
DUDGEON JACK
Get your dudgeon up high where it belongs. 555-345-1234
TWO-LUMMOX CHEESE PAK
Enough cheese for two lummoxes. $425.
555-567-7656
TIE-DYED CORN ON THE COB
$2 or best offer.
TAXI BONE
Lucky taxi bone. Always get a taxi.
$30. Call 555-456-2345
GALLOP POLE
One gallop pole, like the knights used to hold when they galloped at each other and tried to poke each other off the horse. Call 555-345-1234
PEEL'n' STICK ASTRONAUTS
Stick 'em anywhere. It's nice to have an astronaut around when you need one.
Call 555-678-4567
JINGLE BUZZER
Tired of jingle bells? Try this jingle buzzer. Call 555 234-6789
TRAINED SEA-MONKEYS
This troop of sea-monkeys has been trained to change a flat tire on a 1956 Hillman Minx (front tires only).
$15 obo. Call 555-456-5432
OSHA-COMPLIANT MARSHMALLOWS
$4 each. Call 555-234-3456
QUANTUM CROWBAR
Will it work or not? Who knows? Who cares?
$9. Call 555-234-7890
GRONSON TROUSERS
Worn by Gronson himself. $200 obo. Call 555-678-3456
BEEP SEALER
Seals but doesn't beep anymore.
If you like the beeping this is not the beep sealer for you.
As is, $6. Call 555-567-9878
POLEAX
Poleax $15. Ax no pole $10. Pole no ax $8. No ax no pole $2.
Call 555-678-8767
TRADITIONAL LIECHTENSTEINIAN GOAT ROPER'S NOSE COZY
Handmade, multi-colored, with festive tassel.
$18. Call 555-789-9878
'TALK WRENCH' TALKING TORQUE WRENCH
Tells you when the torque is just right. Call 555-234-4323 and ask for Toulouse.
GLASS-BOTTOMED SOCKS
3 pairs, $4/pair. Call 555-876-6787
BABE TONGS
Pick up babes easily. $35. Call 555-678-9012
ORIGINAL LEONARDO PROTOTYPE ELECTRIC CAN OPENER
Signed by Leonardo da Vinci, authenticated.
$9 million. Call 555-901-345
WITCHET STANDS
Four witchet stands for sale. Rare.
These are the ones mentioned in the Pledge of Allegiance.
Witchets not included.
555-234-5678
FARBIC SOFTENER - FREE
I don't need it - I don't have any farbics.
555 345-6789
THRACIAN WAR BEANIE
The real McCoy. $80 or b.o.
555-789-12345
SHRIFT LENGTHENER
Tired of getting short shrift? Lengthen any shrift at least 42%, guaranteed.
Call 555 678-9012
TAR POTION
If you like tar, you'll love tar potion.
One quart $10. Call 555-456-7890
DOUBLEKNIT ASPARAGUS TROPHY
Good one, not the cheap type. Call 555-345-6789
TIDINGS FOR SALE
Tidings of comfort $3 per tiding. Tidings of joy $5 per tiding.
Or take the tidings alone, no comfort or joy, $1 each or b.o.
Call 555-234-5678
NED BOX
Box says Ned. One of a kind except for the other one. $4. Call 555-789-0123.
FACE IRON
Smooth out the wrinkles. $25. Call 555-890-1234
WOOLLY MAMMOTH REPELLANT
I used it in my attic for 25 years and never had one woolly mammoth up there.
$12/gallon. Call 555-901-2345
ANTIQUE COMPUTER
Almost three years old. $4000. 555-123-4567
ROOF SPINNER
Spins the snow right off. Call 555-234-5678
REVERSE JACK
Makes things lower. $25. Call 555-345-6789
LOW RIDER HOUSE KIT
Make your house hop like those cars. Now you're styling. $40,000 or B.O.
Call 555-901-2345
USED BULWARKS
All sizes. Bottom dollar. Pick and choose, mix and match.
The more you buy, the more you save. Collect 'em all, trade with your friends.
Call 555-456-7890
TRAIN DERAILLEUR
$300 or B.O. Call 555-567-8901
HEIRLOOM HEIR LOOM
If you have no heirs, you can weave your own heirs on this antique heir loom. $65.
Also: hair loom $50, hare loom $40, air loom $30. Call 555-678-9012
REBOP DETECTOR
Also detects claptrap, tommyrot, jive, bushwa, codswallop, and bulldoody.
$46. Call 555-012-3456
"OLE TIME" KEROSENE CAKE
Secret family recipe. $15. 555-567-1234
COMBAT KNIFE
"Gizzard Ripper" model. $15.
Also: pillbox hat w/heavy machine gun. Call 555-123-6789
USED KITCHEN FLOOR
I don't like the way it looks. $5 cash and carry. Call 555-890-2345
DUCK-PROOF MAILBOX
No more ducks stealing your mail. Call 555-678-2345
DRUTHERS
Finally, you really can have your druthers. $3 each. Call 555-789-2345
ECLECTIC DRILL
Drills anything. $30. Call 555-234-5678
BUNSEN BURNER
Comes with 5 bunsens. Call 555-901-2345
USED CREDOS
Lots to pick from, $5 each. Some better than others.
Call 444-012-2101
DROSS SAW
Get rid of the dross.
Call 555-198-8998
GRAPE WRENCH
Adjust your grapes properly for better flavor.
Call 555-219-1219
STRADIVARIUS VIOLA
Upgraded with dual humbuckers, whammy bar, more.
2 mil or b.o. Call 555-321-2321
12-STRING TRUMPET
Sounds funny. $10. Call 555-432-2343
2-WAY SAULNIER FOSKET
Only used one way.
$200. 555-210-0121
JERK TENDERIZER
It used to be a baseball bat,
but now it's a jerk tenderizer.
$5 or best offer.
555-109-9010
INFLATABLE JUKE DUCK
One size fits all. $50
555-987-7898
HAND-TOOLED ROOSTER MUZZLE
Custom. 555-876-6787
ARMY SURPLUS CLAMS
Boxed — 12 dozen per box, $5/box. Box included.
Nice looking boxes. Limit 2000 boxes per person.
555-567-7656
BABY BEANIES
With or without propellers. Billions to choose from.
Buy 'em, sell 'em, save 'em, burn 'em. Who cares?
555-345-54345
HENCH
If you've always wanted to be a henchman,
here's your chance. One hench. $65. Call 555-123-3212
LUCKY SKUNK NOSTRIL
Life long health, win the lottery, more.
$15. Call 555-234-4323
RECUMBENT POGO STICK
Hop in comfort. $90. Call 555-345-5434
GLASS FLAXTON
What is it? You tell me and we'll both know.
$25 or b.o. Call 555-987-7898
MOOSE RACK
Nice place to store your mooses. Holds eight mooses.
555-456-6545
PAINTING FOR SALE
Titled "Mooses in the Desert". Shows desert with eight mooses.
$80 or b.o. Call 555-567-7656
SOLID GOLD PEZ DISPENSER
The same one used by Sean Connery in "Dr.No."
Includes rare peppermint Pez.
$900. Call 555-789-9878
ABS OF STEEL — TONSILS OF KEVLAR —
EARLOBES OF MOLYBDENUM
Cutting-edge, art-of-the-state workout systems.
Get the best. 555-456-6545
RUCKS — $10 /DOZEN
Fill your rucksack with rucks for the best price ever.
Get 'em while they last. 555-891-1989
LEAF RAKE
Rake made of leaves. Good rake to have if you don't like to rake.
555-345-5434
CANOE
Doesn't work too well in the water, but it's OK on the lawn.
Call evenings: 555-234-4323
FABERGE EGGS
$2.00 / dozen. Junior's Farm 555-123-3212
STRADIVARIUS LAWN MOWER
Runs good — sounds good. 555-234-4323
GINGHAM CODPIECE
Stand out from the crowd. $40 or trade for chinchilla merkin.
555-345-5434
HARLEY- DAVIDSON SALAD SPINNER
74 c.i., electric start, 400 bushel capacity. 555-456-6545
SOLO-TALKIE
One person walkie-talkie.
No batteries needed. Works great.
555-567-7656
HOT WATER HEATER
Also: Cold water heater, hot water cooler,
cool water warmer, frozen water freezer.
Take the lot for $200 or trade for can of potato sticks.
555-678-8767
CAR BAG
Nice bag to carry your car around in.
555-789-9878
CRAY THERMOSTAT
Excellent control for home heating system.
Adjust temp to within 42 billionths of a degree,
program heat schedule 900,000 millennia into the future.
87 buttons, 126 sub-functions.
Includes advisory staff. 555-890-0989
ART SCULPTURE
Real art. $60,000,000,000 or b.o. 555 789-98789
TEA BAG
Paper type with tea inside. Ten cents or b.o.
Serious inquiries only please. 555-890-09890
HEIRLOOM KNICKKNACK
I don't know what it is, but it looks like a good one. $90. 555-123-3212
RARE UNPUBLISHED HARDY BOYS
Original manuscripts include: The Groaning Hamster, The Mysterious Pencil,
The Gnu in the Stutz, The Lurking Bacon. 555-456-6545
MR. MONGO MITT MONSTER
Hand Strengthening System
Turn your girlie-hands into manly choking machines. 555-789-9878
BICYCLE BUILT FOR THIEU
Historic. Includes saddlebags big enough to hold senators. 555-456-6545
CORNISH PORRIDGE GONG
Call in the crew for porridge — just like the good old days. $80. 555-567-7656
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
$5 or trade for pitcher of Margaritas. 555-678-8767
HAND GRENADE
Only used once. Bag included. 555-345-5434
GRAB BAG OF ROCKS
Gray, brown — all colors, all sizes.
Lifelong collection. Need money for trampoline.
Will sacrifice for $400. 555-543-4354
RARE COLLECTOR'S Q-TIP
One end used by Lyndon Johnson, the other end by Cleopatra.
You won't find many of these. Authenticated by Northeby's.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. 555-567-76567
PALLET LOAD OF DEODORANT
$300 or B.O. Call 555-567-8987
3-WAY LIGHT BULB
Used to work great. 555-123-3212
PARACHUTES
Factory seconds. Great prices. 555-321-1232
ANTIQUE SALAD
With documentation. $75.
Call 555-432-2343 and ask for Oddvar.
HALF CAN OF COCA-COLA
Why pay for the whole thing when you can buy half?
Ten cents or b.o. 555-654-4565
CROSLEY STRETCH LIMO
Bar, TV, stereo, hot tub, archery range, more.
12 K or b.o. 555 567-7656
USED CHICKEN KIEV
Well maintained — cleaned and repainted. 555-765-5676
THE CLAPPER PLATINUM EDITION
Multi-clap feature, wireless remote programmer, hoot 'n' whistle option.
Excellent condition. Call 555-876-6787
GOLD PLATED CLOTHESLINE ROPE
Nice conversation piece. 555-987-7898
VERTICAL ABOVE-GROUND SWIMMING POOL
Great for limited space. Includes sideways diving board. 555-198-1898
CEMENT BICYCLE
Bombproof model. With bell and streamers. 555-234-4323
Services:
FOE PAINTING
We'll paint your enemies in any color or style. 555-123-3212
LAWNS DETHATCHED
Also — roofs dethatched,
doors relatched, tires patched, eggs hatched, purses snatched.
555 345-5434
DRIVEWAYS TARRED $500
Tarred and feathered $100 extra. 555 456-6545
DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEES ?????
Are you frustrated with your disgruntled employees? They all start out gruntled
but somehow become disgruntled. We will re-gruntle your employees
in two days or less and restore harmony to your office.
Results guaranteed. Call Gruntlers, Inc. at 555 234-4323
Personals:
Philatelist with gimp ear seeks open-minded fry cook for mini-golf and random lynchings.
Box 234. No weirdos please.
YOUNG AT HEART ?????
Let's cry, barf, throw food, and pee our pants together. Box 345
WANTED
Anybody. Let's do it right now. Box 456
Did you ever feel at one with the oyster on your plate, a sibling of all critters sentient and dumb alike?
Do you enjoy pole vaulting through the Everglades while Congress is in session?
Do you find yourself dewy-eyed at the thought of forklifts?
If your answer is yes, let's make music together. Box 567
Middle-aged drunk desires company of psychotic debutante
every other Tuesday except holidays. Box 678
Psychotic debutante desires company of middle-aged drunk
every other holiday except Tuesdays. Box 789
WANTED
Mathematician to figure out how often the drunk
and the debutante can get together. Box 890
Opportunities:
BE YOUR OWN BOSS, MAKE $$$$$
Make thousands in your spare time selling Digital Wind Chimes.
This gift idea for the new millennium combines high tech with New Age,
playing all your favorite tunes with a saucy disregard for normal concepts of tempo.
Call 555 567-7656
BOSS YOUR OWN BEE
This non-living bee is guaranteed to stay where you put it
and will never talk back or give you a hard time.
Call 555 678-8767 and ask for Eric.
BICYCLE SPOKESPERSON
Friendly work environment, benefits. 555-456-6545
WANTED: HENCHMAN
Experienced henchman wanted for henching, henchage, and assorted
henchlike duties. Must have own hench. 555-345-5434
MAKE THOUSANDS OF $$$$$$$$ IN MINUTES PER WEEK
It's easy — just keep pressing the $ key.
WANTED: FREELANCE ASTRONAUT FOR INDEPENDENT MARS EXPEDITION
Previous hands-on Mars experience preferred. 555-198-9818
DUCK WRANGLERS
Join our team of dedicated professionals. 555-234-4323
TIME TRAVELERS WANTED
Flexible hours. 555-345-5434
TRIANGLE PLAYER NEEDED FOR GRUNGE BAND
Philharmonic experience preferred. 555-456-6545
THRASHMASTER
Experience with mace & cat-o'-nine-tails a plus.
The Center for Creative Beating. 555 567-7656
$1,000,000 FREE!
Send $1,000,019.95 postage and handling.
P.O. Box 273, Jumbytown, NV
WANTED: PERSONAL TRAINERS
Also personal airplaners, personal automobilers,
personal bicyclers, personal palanquiners. 555-678-8767
AMPHIS WANTED
We have an amphitheatre but no amphis.
If you have some for sale please call 555-345-6789
Meetings/Events:
EIGHTY-FIFTH ANNUAL TRAIPSE FOR TROTSKY
Don't miss it!!!
Call 555-234-5678
MEAT BINGO
Play Bingo, win meat.
Every Thursday at the Bushwa Club.
Call 555-456-7890
THE AMERICAN HENRYS
Are you an American? And is your name Henry?
If so, you are invited to join the American Henrys.
For info, call 555-789-9878
NINTH ANNUAL MOOSE CLUB BEEZER GROPE
Saturday night, 7:00, Durante Hall
MALE BONDING GROUP
Sunday, 5 p.m., Aardvarks Hall. Bring Krazy Glue.
ADA
Anonymous Donors Anonymous. Community Hall, Tuesdays 6 p.m.
ACFCAG
Adult Children of Felonious Cousins of Arthritic Gardeners.
Rice Hall, Mondays 7 p.m.
Homes For Sale:
COUNTRY ESTATE
Eighteen bedrooms, forty baths. Stable, croquet lawn, yew maze, grouse bower, punting lagoon, marble tennis court, gate house, guest house, bootlicker's cottage, blacksmith's hovel, gamekeeper's wickiup, chauffeur's igloo, unicorn paddock, plover hatchery, traipsing copse.
Includes herd of picturesque flunkies.
Strombex Agency Exclusive. 555-123-3212
Pets / Lost Pets:
GAARDVARK FOR SALE
This gaardvark will guard your house.
Cross between an aardvark and a Rottweiler.
Call 555-234-5678
LOST PET SQUIRREL
Gray, with tail. If you see her please call 555-678-8767.
LOST ANGORA MINI-HOG
Answers to "Petronius". Last seen in Bloomingdales. 555 345-5434
LOST NORWEGIAN CODFISH HOUND
Shout "Wenceslas!". If he doesn't come, that's him. 555 234-4323
HENCH DOGS FOR SALE
If you've always wanted a henchman but can't afford one,
please consider one of our pedigreed Isle of Hench hench dogs. 555-123-3212
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